I was fifteen and fought a lot with my mother. I would leave the house and go walking around. One night after dark I was out walking and ended up at the corner of the street with the grocery store. I decided to go check behind it, out of curiosity. I ran into a man that was camping out there and he raped me. He let me go and I went home embarrassed and ashamed that I had been butt fucked. I didn't tell anyone and over time I came to accept it. It didn't make me gay, but when it came to sex, that's what I went back to. I'm not saying I wanted it to happen again, but as far as sex was concerned that's what sex was to me.
I didn't get into a relationship, went into the Army to get away from home, was discharged and used the GI Bill to get a college degree. At college I met another ex Army who was just like me, older among so many snotty nosed kids. He introduced me to this club or older students. Most of us were between 24 and 30. One night I was at his apartment and he asked me if I ever had a girlfriend. I admitted I never had and he asked me in the same breath, how about a boy friend. I said NO, and he laughed. Boy friends are OK, you get to play with their weenies. Had I ever played with another boy's weenie? Not even when I was a kid?
He took his pants down and showed me his dick. He had a lot of hair and his thighs had hair and I could see under his shirt hair on his belly. He stared me down, and walked over with his dick in his hand and told me that all his dick needed was me sucking it. I could do it, and he held my face with both hands and he put his dick against my lips and I sucked on his dick. See you can do it, and he told me he wanted to see my dick, and after helping me get my pants down, he sucked my dick. He was so matter of fact when he asked me if I wanted him to fuck me. While he was fucking me I told him about the man who had raped me when I was living at home with my mother.
After sex, after we had wiped off, we were still naked and he was holding my dick he told me that he had been raped in the Army. Lots of guys got raped in the Army, or prison, or boarding school, or Boy Scouts. When there were lots of guys around, some guy fucked you. It came with the territory. He kissed me to see if I liked it, and we got on the bed completely naked to kiss and make out and play with our weenies. I just wanted to be with him, and I wanted to suck him again and he let me.
I felt regret the next day and did everything I could not to run into him. I stopped going to the older student functions. I stayed indoors. But I masturbated to sucking his dick. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wanted to masturbate several times a day.
It was after college, I was 37 and I went out with some friends for someone's birthday. I was at the bar getting a beer and this man asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him and get friendly. He said he saw me come in and he could always tell from the way a guy walked whether he was queer or not. And I was queer, guaranteed. So, how about it, get a beer with him. I was captivated and I went home with him and had sex with him. I went home afterwards to shower and hate myself for it. I kicked myself because I should have sucked his dick but I didn't.
