Life is overwhelming

I AM 40, A LESBIAN, NOT ATTACHED.  I TEACH JUNIOR HIGH.  SINCE THE PANDEMIC MY JOB HAS BECOME CONSIDERABLY MORE STRESSFUL AND UNREWARDING. STUDENTS ADVANCING TO MY GRADE ARE NOT ABLE TO READ AT GRADE LEVEL, READING COMPREHENSION IS ABYSMAL.  TO COMPLICATE OR EXACERBATE THE SITUATION THE MATURITY OF MY STUDENTS HAS FALLEN CONSIDERABLY.   THE ADMINISTRATION, THE UNION, ARE AT THE HEART OF WORK STRESS.  THEY DO NOT HELP.  THEY IMPEDE.

MY WAGES DO NOT PROVIDE ME WITH THE ABILITY TO LIVE INDIPENDENTLY IN A REASONABLY NICE AREA.  MY CHOICES ARE TO ROOMMATE OR TO SIGNIFICANTLY DROP MY QUALITY OF LIFE.  MY SITUATION MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO HAVE A LOVER OVER, IF I COULD FIND LOVER WHO WILL ACCEPT MY LIVING SITUATION WITH MY LANDLORD. MY LANDLORD, HE IS A VERY NICE MAN, IS TOLERANT OF MY SITUATION AND CARRIES ME WITH EXPENSES. I HAVE HAD TO ADD HOUSEKEEPING DUTIES TO MAKE UP FOR MY INABILITY TO MEET MY RENT.  I WANT A LOVER TO SHARE MY BED, BUT BRINGING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO THE HOUSE WILL INVOKE HIS DEMAND THAT SHE SURRENDER TO HIM AS WELL.  I SURRENDERED AND AM COMFORTABLE BEING UNDER HIS CONTROL.  HE IS NICE AND FAIR AND IS VERY TOLERANT OF MY SEXUAL PERSUASION, BUT I CAN'T FIND A WOMAN WHO IS GOING TO COME AND SURRENDER TO HIM.  I NEED HUMAN WARMTH AND IT IS UPSETTING THAT TO HAVE HUMAN WARMTH I HAVE TO CRAWL INTO BED WITH HIM TO BE HUGGED,  FOR HIM TO INVOKE THE MAN OVER WOMAN DYNAMIC.

MY FAMILY IS DISTANCED FROM ME, PRIMARILY BECAUSE I AM A LESBIAN.  ALL I HAVE IS HIM, MY LANDLORD IS MY REFUGE, MY CONFIDANT, MY MEANS OF SUPPORT, MY PROTECTOR, MY REASON. I HAVE SURRENDERED MY BODY TO HIM. I AM SURRENDERING MY SOUL TO HIM. I NEED HIS ARMS AROUND ME, IN BED AT NIGHT, IN THE EVENING AFTER DINNER.  I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE. I MAKE A HOME FOR HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, I PREPARE HIS MEALS, I INVITE HIM INTO MY BODY.  IN ALL BUT WORD I AM HIS WIFE. 

I NEVER DREAMT THAT I WOULD REGRET PASSING UP MY CHILD BEARING YEARS FOR A LIFE THAT CAN NEVER BE.  I RECEIVE HIM IN MY BODY PRAYING THAT I WILL PRODUCE A CHILD.  I'M 40 AND I WANT TO BE PREGNANT BEFORE THAT DOOR IS GONE FOREVER. PRESENT HIM WITH A SON OR DAUGHTER BEFORE WE ARE BOTH TOO OLD.