Reply: Hesitant to take a step forward

I was eleven the first time I bottomed for an adult male. Never regretted it.

In the last ten years I have fantasized about having sex with a man. My memories of it started when I met a man at the mall and he came onto me. I left but something had awakened in me. I watched but didn't engage. Men working, being felt up by the tailor. The man at the gas station who let me admire his vintage pick up. It was around noon and we agreed to have lunch together. We went to Subway. 

He invited me over, his restoration project, a 64 GTO. We stood shoulder to shoulder. In the kitchen getting a glass of water he showed me a black and white portrait picture of himself in uniform. which did I like better, the young fit him, or the older heavy set him. He laughed, same dick, only wiser. 

We stood in his bedroom, with only an undershirt on, holding each other's dick in our hand kissing. The end result of that afternoon was that he managed to have sex with me. 

I have avoided another encounter, but masturbate constantly to that experience. I think about it, I pretend, I go to gay dating websites for men my age. But I cannot pull the trigger. 

How do I get over my hesitation? I'm tired of masturbating.